It’s only 11:20pm, so it’s only been 3 and a half hours since they kicked me out. I’m really sad, I miss you so much… I’m sorry I got kicked out. 😥
I’m in a hotel room tonight. I’m kind of scared. I’m alone. I’ve never slept anywhere alone… there’s always been someone. I wish you were here, or my bf. Or both of you lol. We could watch movies together.
OMG I just saw a video where someone died from the cinnamon challange. Don’t EVER do it again, because now i’m paranoid.
It’s 2:43 now… god I am so fucking lonely… I wish I hadn’t fucked things up… I dunno where to go, I dunno what to do. I have no one here really, NO ONE. This city has never really held anything for me… i’m glad I met you though. There haven’t been many worthwhile friends i’ve made here, but you are one. Really, i’ve never made a true close friend in Alaska before you. All of my friends say they can’t picture me being here very long. Alaska has never been a voluntary place for me to be J… I hate it here, my whole life here has been fucked up. It started with yelling, rape, being harassed & kidnapped, then went on to “best friends” who after years ended up just being superficial. Well they always were, I just ignored it because the rest of the people I went to school with hated me more openly.
Someone told me its because they were jealous of me, but I dunno where that came from. I hid from everyone when I was younger LOL they didn’t know anything about me, they just hated me.
I feel really sleepy now… it’s taken me until 3:32am to get here… (to that point in the letter)
I actually felt good for once in my life at CS, but tonight i’ve just gone straight back to being an insomniac and I wanna go binge eat then puke it back up, I wanna go smoke a whole fucking pack of cigarettes at once, I wish I had some vodka right now. I wish I could stop crying…
I’m so down…
I’m sorry I got kicked out J…
My chest hurts. My heart hurts. My everything hurts. I could go home but I don’t want to. It hurts more there. I’m not allowed to be myself.