The Fashion Show

We were meant to be doing something productive after breakfast, chores, and the morning free period were over. Somewhere along the lines, J came up with an idea of what we could do to be productive. A fashion show.

“My clothes are all dirty.” I laughed. I had just put literally everything other than the sweatpants and Tshirt I was wearing into two of the washers out in the laundry room, which was in a seperate building next door to the main house.

“That’s ok, you can sport the pajamas with makeup look!” J replied, hyper as ever. He was parading around in tight skinny jeans, an orange base shirt with white stripes that cut off just below his chest, exposing his flat stomach, and hung loosly over his shoulders. It was a woman’s shirt, one I had given him that didn’t look so great on me crossdressing (in fact it did not even fit) but it was perfect on him. With the clothes he wore a long haired red wig (which I had also given to him), and bright red lipstick (the lipstick was from me too), which brought out his naturally plump lips even more. The whole thing together had him just oozing sexiness, and I couldn’t help taking in every angle of him with my eyes.

A was there as well, she wore a purple wig that belonged to me, with 2 black rose hair pins (Which was also mine. I seem to be the only one out of us that went around from place to place with an assortment of costume items.) she had on a scarf, and some of her everyday clothes, but they looked good together. J said they looked like Rihanna and Nikki Minaj. (Personally, I wouldn’t want to look like Nikki Minaj, but the look was fantastic on A!)

Being in pajamas, I decided i’d be the judge, so I sat down on one of the couches after A started the music and ran down the hallway after J. I tried to do my best Simon Cowell impression as they strutted into the room, keeping their every movement in sync with the beat of Lady Gaga’s Judas. J was very sexual, as he usually was. Not that I minded. Everything he did in that little fashion show was hot, and though I hate to admit it, I liked it, knowing very well that I shouldn’t be having thoughts like that…


(Up next will be what happened AFTER the show)

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Little Moments Make The Biggest Impressions

I’m thinking of different little moments me and J spent together at CS. There was the day we went to church together for the first and only time, we hugged endlessly and held hands throughout the whole ordeal, as we had not been permitted to be in any type of physical contact prior to that moment (the reason of course being CS’s strict personal boundry rules). The only reason we were able to have contact that intimate was because we were left alone without staff watching us while we were there. It made me feel so good to finally be able to hug the friend that I loved so much, when we were both in a position where we were alone in a hopeless place in a hopeless city. All of Alaska feels hopeless, honestly. On the outside, it is beautiful.. but dig deeper and you’ll find that there are many underlying problems with a large portion of the population. Substance abuse and suicide is an epidemic here.. I guess in Alaska, we’re all sad in some way or another.

After the church date, there was the time during group therapy that we all took turns asking questions off of strips of paper drawn from a bowl. Me and J both managed to get questions such as “Should same sex marriage be legal?” and “Is it ok for men to wear women’s clothes, or for women to wear men’s clothes?” everyone in the group had to give an answer to the questions given, we really had a laugh that day.

Then there was the morning we had the fashion show.. that one deserves its own post, so it will be up next. 😉

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Today I almost went back to something I promised i’d never do again. Old habits die hard I guess, especially when you’re desperate for money. With Male prostitution, its  easy to gain customers. There are plenty of horny perverts out there who would never dream of coming out of the closet, so they look for quick hookups with random men they meet online, or guys like me, who they pay.

I made quite a bit of money last year servicing guys i’d never even dream of touching in those ways if the situation had been different. But life is hard. Sometimes you have to do things you aren’t proud of. Sometimes you have to force yourself to quit, because it hurts to much, because money isn’t worth it.

I bailed out on the customer I was supposed to meet up with today at 2:00pm. He was an old client, one from last time. I just didn’t show up, even after he had booked a room, and I was going to make half my weekly income in a matter of 2 hours. I just couldn’t bring myself to do it…

Maybe i’ll force myself into it one or two more times, if that’s what it takes for me to get out of this city, to go take care of my boyfriend (i’ll talk more about my boyfriend adventure in a few blog posts, this isn’t going to be a blog that is solely based on my best friend J) in Seoul, Korea. and maybe someday, go get J, and head off for england. He wants to go there too, like I do. It’d be nice to take a break there for a while.. it’d be nice to see my friends A, JB, and M.

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No Letters? and I lost the notebook…

I got off the phone with Q, a staff member at CS after having called to get the mailing address for CS because I misplaced the pink notebook in which the address was tucked into on a sheet of pink paper.

“You can’t send mail to clients unless you are on their approved contact list.”

That’s what Q told me over the phone. Why then had another staff member, J.H. given me the address after I had asked for it so I could send mail to J? He failed to tell me that part of things. So now I wonder what happened to the letters I sent to J. I’m assuming he didn’t recieve them. That would explain why there haven’t been any replies yet..

I guess this is for real. I won’t be able to speak to J until he’s out of treatment. All I can do for now is pray for him, and hope he’s doing ok..

I think I may have misplaced the notebook at SP, one of the places I work at. I’ll figure that out Monday. For now all I can do is hope no one threw it away if it WAS left there. Because that notebook holds the last little bits of notes me and J passed to eachother the day that I left CS. I want to hold on to every little memory, I don’t want to lose those last few precious words, no matter how silly they may have seemed at the time. I remember just a few hours before it was all over, J smiling and writing something in that notebook, the third of a series of notebooks we had already filled up, he was ecstatic that this one was pink, and that he got to write in it first (usually I wrote in them first, because I would buy a new one at when we reached the end of a notebook, and write my thoughts in the new one then pass it to him on my way to bed while I was at CS.

Besides all of that, last night was my first night at the apartment room i’ll be living in from now on. Its on a campus that J was at before we met (the program i’m in now is through the same main program as CS is, they have different locations throughout the city.)

I look over at the buildings where J was at before I lived on the campus, and wonder if any of the middle and highschoolers walking around on the property knew him. I wonder which one of them was the boyfriend he had that the staff had found out about and transferred him so that him and that boyfriend couldn’t see eachother or speak to eachother. Its simular to what they dd with me and J, except we weren’t in a relationship.

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Not The Only “Gay” One Anymore

I entered the building just as everyone was preparing for dinner. The staff quickly introduced me to the rest of the teens staying at CS, I smiled and told them my name, and explained that i’m trans. (considering I was sleeping on the girls side, that definately needed to be addressed.) and that’s when I saw J…

I could tell right away that he was gay. It seems to be some kind of built in sixth sense for some people. I’ve always been able to have a pretty clear idea of a person’s orientation within my first meeting with them, though occasionally it takes until the second or third time.

When I told him that i’m  trans and have a gay boyfriend that i’m engaged to his face lit up and he told me that he was gay. There weren’t any other LGBT youth in the shelter besides the two of us, we clicked right away.

“You should come eat yogurt with me!” He exlaimed as he pulled me into the kitchen and we both took a strawberry yoplait yogurt cup from the far end of the 3 doored refridgerator. We took our yogurt and sat at one of the two wooden tables in the dining area and started chattering away about our lives.

I loved the expressive nature of his whole body. J doesn’t just say something and sit there boringly like a normal person would. He uses his whole being to express himself. He is a walking piece of art, a natural performer, and quite handsome. We talked about our career goals, which turn out to be simular, our hobbies were also along the same lines, and we both had the same type of issues with our families.

Just about everything we could think of we had in common. It was a spontanious and instantly formed friendship, and I loved him right from that first moment.

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My First Day At CS

I walked into the living room/dining area of CS after filling out over an hour of paper work in their conference room. While in the conferance room doing my paper work to be admitted into CS I had heard his voice out there in the main area of the group home. I was nervous at that time. All the people there were new, and I didn’t know anything about him or any of the others.

I shyly walked into the living room and was directed to put my things in one of the 2 bedrooms on the girls side of the house. Most people still don’t understand the difficulty of being a trans male, so regardless of the fact that myslef and all of my friends and my fiance identify me as a male, I wasn’t allowed on the boy’s side of the house, based upon nothing other than what I was biologically born with.

After putting away my personal belongings I met a few of the other middle and highschool students occupying the house. A was the youngest and the first one to speak to me. At only 12 years old she had been brought there for multipule reasons of which I won’t go into at the moment. The others had gone out for a group activity, so I still had not actually met J nor did I know he even exsisted at that point.

Being settled in, I left the house for a few hours to take care of errands. (Being 18, there were different expectations for me than for the others there ranging in age between 12-17. They wanted to promote independance with their older “young people”, so we were required to be outside of any of their facilities between 10am and 4pm.) After I had done a few things, I went to M mall, which was right across an intersection from the CS building. I bought a coconut flavoured bubble milk tea in a small restaruant in the mall. It happened to be the only place in the city where you can buy bubble milk tea anymore. I walked through the mall sipping on my drink, then headed back to CS.

I could feel myself becoming nervous again as I neared the building. It was nearly dinner time at CS, which meant that everyone would be there when I went inside. What would the others be like? Would it just be another group of people i’d end up having to avoid? Or would I actually make a friend here?

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2 Weeks Previous

Here’s the beginning of what started the chain reaction of events that led to where I am now. (You guys still don’t know where I am now, and I don’t know where I will be a week from now lol, but we’ll get to that later on.)

I walked into my parents bedroom to ask something. It had just been 3 days since the Wednesday that they informed me I was being kicked out.

My Step Dad: “Have you found a place to stay yet?”

Me: “No.”

My Step Dad: “Well what are you going to do tomorrow when you don’t live here anymore?”

I left the room without saying a word.

Later on facebook I told P in more detail what exactly had happened. He was going through a simular issue with his parents. They just found out he was with C around the same time my parents decided I was too open about my lifestyle “choices”. The difference is that I had already turned 18 and P is still 17, in fact I don’t think he’s been 17 for very long. His parents told him if they ever found out he was gay they’d disown him and kick him out. I don’t know how things are going for him at the moment, but it sounds like he still lives with them. For now.


  • Me

    nvm about that thing yesterday, sorry Dx. I was telling me your bf got hurt today, hope he’s ok.

  • March 23
  • Yeah, he’s doing all right; it definitely scared me though. Sorry I haven’t been replying as well, it’s been an intense couple of days, even before the accident. I really do appreciate all your help! I turned in the application a few days ago…. now I’m just keeping my fingers crossed for that call back! FM is my first pick for a job because it’s close to where I live, it pays above minimum wage and has decent hours. So I hope they have room for one more person…

    If I DO get a call back and get an interview, I’ll keep that thing you said about M.S. in mind. Can’t be too careful.

  • Me

    Its been pretty intense for me lately too Dx they will call you back trust me, I talked to my boss. It won’t be until next week at the soonest though because our human resources person who does the employee orientation had some emergency with her son, so no new hires or applicants can get started until the week after this week.

  • Me

    Whats been intense for you? My parents kind of decided to kick me out.. mainly for being gay and trans

    and yeah, definately cant be too careful with people you arent sure about.

  • P

    A lot of things: school, relationships, stuff like that. But today is probably the worst… My parents basically found out about me and C. He’s been staying over this spring break, and a couple days ago my dad walked in on us laying together. I made up this really lame excuse and he left us alone, and I thought that was that. But today I tried asking my mom if I could stay at a friend’s tonight and she exploded and got really mad. We were arguing and at some point she basically told me that her and my dad knew about everything ‘C and I did at night’, and that she knew about us. Needless to say, that sent my world spinning.

    My parents are old-school, super-strict, super-homophobic. Because I’ve acted gay all my life, they’ve hated me for it. Multiple times when I was growing up, they flat out told me that they wouldn’t have a gay son, and if I turned out gay they would disown me and kick me out. You might think those are just empty threats but my parents are the type that mean what they say.

    So for years I’ve been keeping myself a secret from them, because while I’d LOVE to just be out, I still need a roof over my head. Now that they know… I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. So this has been a stressful day.

  • P

    I’m sorry about what happened to you, by the way. I can’t even imagine. That’s exactly the sort of scenario I wouldn’t want happening to me, but I guess it’s a little too late for that. I hope you’re safe and have a place to stay. I’d offer but clearly my own parents don’t even want ME staying with them. Ha.

  • Me

    I dont have anywhere to go myself, mine told me I have to start looking by yesterday.. sounds like you’re kind of in the same boat as me.  mine are homophobes too, I go home everyday and have to deal with my siblings and step dad making jokes about me and my mom thinks im going to hell.. and a few weeks ago my dad was over and told me if it was legal he’d tie me up to the tree outside and beat me..

  • Me

    my parents found out that me and my bf didnt have a straight relationship by going through my fb.. and I think its worse cus now my mom knows that my bf is the submissive one, which in her opinion is why i want to be a guy instead of a girl.

  • Me

    There has to be somewhere in town for gay kids with parents like that right? I was considering looking around and seeing if theres anywhere that helps with stuff like this..

  • P

    There has to be… All I can think of is CS though… That and the A shelter

  • Me

    Do you think you’re gonna get kicked out too?

    Honestly im kind of happy my parents want me out.. if they dont accept me how i am, somewhere else will be better..

  • Me

    Sorry, i’m making this more depressing aren’t I? On a more positive thought, wanna hang out sometime?

  • Me

    I’m sorry, I know I talk alot over facebook, nows probably not the best time for me to be a chatterbox.. Im just trying to keep myself positive, I tend to do it by ignoring the issue.. It sucks how some parents are about having gay kids.. I have one friend whos parents totally accept and love him as a pansexual f2m trans. I get kind of jealous of that sometimes.. How are your boyfriend’s parents about lgbt?

  • Me

    do you know the number or anything for CS or the A shelter? apparently I have no where to live tomorrow.. my parents are so fucked up.. they gave me from nearly midnight wednesday night until now to get out of their house..

  • P

    I do, it’s (907) ***-****..
    I’m so sorry S. I don’t even know what to say. I hope you are safe wherever you end up staying.

  • Me

    Thanks. I can go hang out at the breakroom at FM during the day until around midnight at the latest. I forgot to tell you another perk of working there.. the breakroom has cable, and wifi, and theres even a carpeted area with couches, a seperate area with tables and chairs, vending machines, 2 fridges and 2 microwaves, bathrooms, and a seperate area for the employee lockers. Its pretty homey.

  • Me

    When I got home tonight things kind of went like this, my step dad: “Have you found anywhere to live yet?” me:”No..” step dad:”Well what are you gonna do tomorrow when you don’t live here anymore?” I just walked away without responding..

  • March 24
  • Me

    Hey, if your parents end up kicking you out too and you can’t find anywhere to stay maybe we could be roomates, I was looking around town for monthly rental prices, if I got a roommate the cheaper ones would be affordable.

  • March 24
  • P

    That’s a really nice offer! If anything, my boyfriend will have me live with him at his parents’ apartment. I told him what happened and he said he’d make sure I got to stay with him. Which gives me at least some form of security; now I know I won’t instantly be out on the streets if my parents DO kick me out…

  • Me

    Thats good at least. Its good to be around someone that loves you.  hopefully I can leave town soon and go take care of my bf.. he doesnt live here, I wanna take him back here with me after I go visit him.

    I’m at a hotel right now, same one as R, shes over watching a movie with me and a few other people. Im glad theyre here, i didnt wanna be alone my first night away..

  • Me

    How’re things going with your current situation?



    The morning after I spent the night at the hotel with T and N as company (they stayed the whole night, we ended up watching movies for quite a while after R went back to her hotel room.) they helped me carry my bags to CS and then left while I began the process of checking in there and becoming a client. It was that night that I met J for the first time, and there was an instant attraction between us as friends. I didn’t want to take my eyes off of him, and one of the other clients there whispered to me “You know J is really happy that you’re here.”

    I may not believe in love at first sight, but best friends at first sight? Who knew it was possible. It happened to me.

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